MXC's Mario Extreme Elimination Challenge!
by Keith E. Kimball
Summary: It’s a landmark in TV history! MXC Most Extreme Elimination Challenge hosts its most epic battle ever! Who will win? Nintendo’s heroes or villains? Tune in to find out!
1. The Show Begins!

Copyright 2004 Keith E. Kimball

**MXC's Mario Extreme Elimination Challenge**

by

Keith E. Kimball

And so the show opens with an incredible blare of an oh-so-familiar theme song!

Dun-a-dun-dun, dun-a-dun-dun, dun-a-dun-dun, dun-da-dun dun dah dunn DUNN!!!

A crowd of familiar folk of varying shapes and sizes are seen pelting madly down a forest path. Some of them wave happily to the camera. Some wave unhappily to the camera. And a few more simply chase the girls running in front of them, who pick up the pace on their part when they hear the heavy breathing getting closer.

The Humble (yet invisible) Announcer cuts in with, "What are these famous faces of videogamedom running **from**? They're **not**! They're running **to**...the World's Toughest Competition in Town! Tonight: An epic battle for the ages as Nintendo's heroes take on their traditional archrivals. It's the best of the goody-goodys versus the worst of the baddy-baddys. Here on MXC (_M_ost _E_xtreme _E_limination _C_hallenge)!!"

As the title sequence overlays the runners, the Announcer continues cheerfully, "And now here's the two guys who always get our highest scores: Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!"

The camera cuts to the castle-like booth of our hosts and their motley entourage of staffers. Kenny, in a red feudal lord's dress with huge shoulders, is wearing his usual vacantly happy grin. Vic, in a matching ensemble (yet blue), is waving his closed paper fan at the camera. "Welcome, everyone," Vic warmly welcomes, "It's time for another rollicking game of MXC."

"Hey, Vic," Kenny quickly interjects as he throws a dead-serious expression on his face, "Shouldn't this episode of the show be called the _Mario_ Extreme Elimination Challenge, in honor of our contestants?"

Looking impressed at Kenny's thoughtfulness, Vic refrains from hitting his cohost with the paper fan for the interruption. "Why, yes, Kenny," Vic admits gamely, "I suppose it should. Particularly since the contestants had to cross multiple parallel dimensions to end up on our show as their flesh-and-blood selves."

Looking happy once more, Kenny slapped his knee with appreciation. "That's right! No holograms, computer animation, or guys in cheesy Mario costumes on this show! MXC **only** delivers the real thing!"

"Indeed," Vic swiftly agreed.

But just as quickly, the joy fled from Kenny's face as he turned to Vic with evident confusion on his open features. "But, Vic, explain it to me again how it works. I mean, video games are just made up, right? How can the contestants be real, like us?"

Vic coughed politely and scratched behind his ear with his fan. "I'm not quite sure how it works myself, Kenny," he grinned apologetically at his cohost and the viewers alike, "I'm just a humble professional broadcast announcer, not a transdimensional theoretical scientist." Perking up, Vic waved happily, "But that's why we kept ours around to explain how this works! Let's hear it straight from the horse's mouth. Take it away, Professor Corpus Fossilius!"

The camera cut to a podium mounted outdoors, showing a downright ancient old fart almost enveloped by his equally-ancient mode of dress. The barely-animated form was clinging to his podium's rail for support and perhaps dear life itself. From somewhere in the mass of unkempt white hair and wrinkles, a dull and listless voice droned, "Thank you, kind sirs. Allow me to begin..."

"Cut back! Cut back!" Kenny cried.

The camera returned to the hosts' booth with frantic speed.

Kenny looked relieved as Vic wiped his brow. "Whoa, Vic," Kenny chirped, "I've never seen our ratings go down so hard and fast."

Vic was sweating himself as he confessed, "That was a new record, even for MXC."

"Yeah, it reminded me of this girl I knew in high school." Suddenly recalling his original query, Kenny continued, "But the contestants **are** real, right? They have all their superpowers and fancy moves from their games too?"

"Indeed," Vic confirmed.

"Good," Kenny grinned in reply, "That also means when they bite it in our games, they'll really break bones n' stuff and I'll still have my Most Painful Eliminations at the end of the show." Kenny slapped his knee and rocked back against his bench as he laughed with pure joy.

Vic chuckled good-naturedly, "And that's why I like you so much, Kenny. You always look out for the other guy."

"Thank you," Kenny returned cluelessly.

"But enough bantering," Vic returned firmly, "let's get this Mario Party started! On to Gùy LeDouchè!"

Once more, the camera cuts to an outdoors scene, but Professor Fossilius is nowhere to be seen. (Seen in the scene, that is.) On hand instead is the familiar form of one Gùy LeDouchè in his form-fitting khaki shorts and matching shirt. Smiling broadly beneath his mustache and his pith helmet alike, Gùy intoned, "Thank you, Victor and Kenneth. Ah, seeing all these old friends truly brings back fond memories for Gùy. Getting my hands around a good, thick, stiff joystick for the first time. Jerking the device back and forth, back and forth, in a haphazard manner until my game was suddenly ended in a very messy fashion, much to my surprise."

Gùy emitted a short bark of his trademark laughter. It sounded like a deep-throated machine gun chattering. Or maybe just sort of like this: "ah-hah-hah-hah."

Gùy continued, "But I digress. Let's throw a batch of levels—er, games designed around a gently increasing learning curve for our first-time players at them. Heyyyy...that sounds just like their day jobs. Ah-hah-hah-hah!!"

"First up is our main elimination game, Blistering Wall of Death. Followed immediately by perennial favorite Legal Maze, then our increasingly-popular Irritable Bowl Syndrome. Next is Dope on A Rope, and finally, the most difficult level for last: Log Drop."

Looking satisfied, Gùy grinned, "Ah, I think I just rediscovered the joy of the stick. Oooo....Gùy likes. Oh, yoo-hoo, Captain?"

With an extra-fast cut for escaping the strangeness that is Gùy, the camera feed switched to Captain Tenneal standing before the assembled contestants. The tall, dark, and disgustingly handsome Captain looked as clean-cut as ever in his immaculate white suit, big shoulder epaulets, and yellow boots. Leaning gently on his cheap plastic sword, The Captain's steady eyes took in the contestants slightly uphill of him on the gentle forest slope as he said, "Thanks once again, Gùy."

With a easy, friendly smile, The Captain called out, "So, who here thinks that video games are a wonderful aid to children? That they teach our kids reading, vocabulary, hand-eye coordination, and other valuable skills? Teamwork as multiple players take on the computer, or perhaps good sportsmanship as players battle each other? Not to mention helping imbue them with an innate sense of compassion, justice, and self-sacrifice for the good of others, hmm?"

Most of the good-hearted character contestants cheered and waved enthusiastically. Their vile cohorts remained quiet, their glum demeanors indicating The Captain's words were true no matter how much they resented it.

"Well," The Captain said in a flat tone, "you're wrong."

As the villains erupted into their own round of cheering, The Captain waved both hands (one still clutching his plastic sword) in a placating fashion. "Settle down, settle down," The Captain chided sternly.

Once he'd regained control, The Captain took a few steps forward. "There's no doubt video games are exactly what Congress says they are. Just look at the generation who grew up on them. A selfish and lazy bunch at best; a wretched hive of scum and villainy at worst. Some are even writers today, God help us all. Yes, video games are devouring the innocent lifeblood—nay, the very souls---of our children before our eyes."

Before another round of applause for his statements could start, The Captain drew himself up stiffly upright with steel in his eyes.

"But!" he barked out, "MXC will **not** contribute to this horrible decay of society as long as I'm around. So while you're on my show, you're also under my unblinking eye of justice. Step out of line and The Captain **will** take you out. Remember that."

The Captain was going to pontificate some more, but he was suddenly distracted by a shapely limb waving out of the crowd in a skintight, thigh-high leather boot. "Why, Captain," the throaty feminine voice attached to the limb called, "Where are you going to take me out **to**? Dinner, maybe?"

In the blink of an eye, The Captain was at the girl's side. "Excuse me, miss," The Captain purred, smiling in a quiet mixture of appreciation and embarrassment, "I don't believe I've had the pleasure of playing your video games before. Tell me, what's your name?"

Putting a hand to her chest in mock demureness totally belied by her skimpy halter top and microskirt, she purred right back, "It's Jesse. I'm here to represent the glorious Team Rocket in your illustrious competition."

"Very impressive hairdo you've got there," The Captain nodded. Then, for once in his life, The Captain got cut off. An imposing figure clothed in burnished, form-fitting steel body armor effortlessly brushed past Jesse's teammates, James and Meowth, to tug The Captain free with one hand. The other hand was enclosed in what looked suspiciously like a gun port. Although distorted somewhat by the helmet's speaker, the giant said, "Watch out, Captain. Don't let that cheap tart get her hooks into you. She's a big fat fibber and can't be trusted."

Jesse turned on the stranger in a bellow of rage, "Who are you calling fat?!"

The Captain looked like he was getting a little hot under the collar over the interruption too, but the stranger reached up and removed her helmet, effectively silencing him. Yes, her helmet. Jesse barely came up to the large warrior's equally large chest. But with her own ego riled, the resident Rocket diva refused to back down as the women stared coldly at each other.

Quickly, The Captain recovered himself and stepped in, "Ladies, ladies, settle down. I like a good catfight as much as the next guy, but save your energy for the games and we'll settle this MXC-style, all right?" His undeniably charming smile worked its magic on both women. With only a few sideways glares at each other, they separated.

Yet MXC's MOC (_M_aster _o_f _C_eremonies) couldn't resist a chance to try and butter up the most beautiful bounty hunter in the galaxy while he was at it. "Ah, Samus Aran," The Captain smiled apologetically up at the amazon, "I almost didn't recognize you in your old-style spacesuit. What happened to that nice new one from your latest game?"

To the shock of everyone present, Samus actually looked a little shy. "You know about that? You like my games?" she said in a much softer tone of voice than usual.

The Captain took her one free hand in his own one free hand. "I **love** your games," he stared into her eyes.

Samus found herself stammering out the answer to The Captain's original query quietly, unable to tear herself away from his magnetic gaze, "I...uh, the suit's...part of me...it grew back...umm...yeah."

The Captain found another interruption. This one came from somebody who looked exactly like Samus. Except for the cold, white, dead orbs in place of her eyes shining through her helmet's visor. The newcomer wordlessly shoved Samus aside to look The Captain up and down. Even he found himself unnerved at the bizarre gaze.

"I, uh," The Captain nervously quizzed the real Samus, "I thought you destroyed all those X parasites that imitated you."

"Oh, that," Samus said nonchalantly, "Don't worry, Professor Fossilius said she couldn't assimilate and duplicate anybody in this dimension. And the SA-X is a more manageable archrival for me on your show than giant monsters like Mother Brain or Ridley."

"Hmm," The Captain thoughtfully continued studying the duplicate, "SA-X. If I had a dirty mind and said that slowly, it might bring up all sorts of connotations, eh?" His comment drew a little guffaw from the group.

Still, he continued pulling at his lower lip as Captain Tenneal tried to summon up a memory on the very tip of his tongue. "But you know, that whole assimilating alien parasite **thing** in _Metroid Fusion_. I've seen some**thing** like that somewhere. Some**thing** about that was so familiar, some**thing** I just can't get my finger on. It almost reminds me of some movie...I almost had it when I was on the **john** this morning and the **carpenter** was putting my bookshelf together. If I could only **thing**—I mean, think of it..."

Tired of waiting, Mario jumped up from the crowd and flashed his V-for-Victory sign. "All righty! Let's-a go!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Hey!!" The Captain roared, Samus and SA-X alike forgotten, "That's **my** line!"

Unheedful of their erstwhile leader's unhappiness, both teams of contestants leapt to their feet and charged down the hill. Even Samus, grateful for an excuse to escape her embarrassment.

Which left Captain Tenneal uncomfortably close - not to mention completely alone - with the SA-X. Who continued studying him with dead silence. Very dead silence. And a tiny little grin that was more unnerving than her lifeless eyes.

"Hey, wait for me!" The Captain charged after them as fast as he could possibly go.

The SA-X let him get a little head start, then broke into a light jog of pursuit. The strains of Pepè LePew's theme could be heard in the background.

As the camera raced alongside the main clog of contestants down the hill, Vic's voice overlaid the scene. "And we're off! To our first game, the Blistering Wall of Death!"

There was a pause, then Vic came back on again. "Ahem, yes, you know, the Blistering Wall of Death...why don't you tell them about the game, Kenny?"

No response.

"Oh-kayyy," Vic drawled angrily, "**I'll** just tell them about the game. It's really simple. One big wall at the bottom of the hill. Only one way to continue: go over it. Make the climb up the flat side only to try and survive the slide down the slopey side, which has been carefully preheated to 150 degrees Fahrenheit. And if you can stomach the stench of your own flesh burning off your bones, you'll land in the shallow pool of stool at the bottom. Who furnished today's pool ingredients, Kenny?"

Kenny almost responded, but his voice was badly and electronically garbled.

Vic's voice was a lot lighter as he understood and the contestants reached the wall. "Oh, sorry, folks, looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulties. And don't forget, the team with the most contestants over the wall starts with a bonus point so the stakes **are** high. Ah-hah! Here's Donkey Kong, making a monkey out of the other contestants as he climbs our wall effortlessly. But the slide down the other side isn't so easy without clothing to protect your sensitive regions, eh, Kenny?"

Kenny's voice finally returned, but the volume kept adjusting up and down as he said, "Yeah. He should wear clothes. Bet he smells like burnt dog."

"Uh, Kenny," Vic reminded as politely as he could (which is to say, not very), "He **is** a gorilla. They don't wear clothes."

"He's got a necktie on," Kenny pointed out.

Vic blinked. "So he does."

Still fighting the interference, Kenny called out, "Hey, look, Vic! Another freaky dude not wearing any pants!"

"That's one of the Pokèmon—Meowth," Vic quickly consulted his contestant ID cards, "They don't wear clothes either, Kenny. But it doesn't seem to matter as Meowth scampers up the wall with cat-like reflexes. Heh—get it, Kenny? Cat-like?"

Kenny frowned. "That joke was lame, Vic."

"Indeed," Vic mumbled under his breath, "It sounded better in my head."

Then Kenny's face, no, his entire being lit up as he leapt to his feet with astonishment. Not even his malfunctioning microphone could hide the unbridled joy in his voice as Kenny cheered, "But wait! Look! That's not a freaky dude with no pants! It's a freaky **girl** with **nothing** on at all!!!" Kenny leaned forward, frothing at the mouth, and only Vic's stern hand on the scruff of his neck stopped him from trying to somehow pass head-first through the camera's broadcast signal and directly onto the live arena site.

"That's not just any naked girl," Vic charged gruffly, "That's Princess Ruto from the _Zelda_ series, Kenny. She's a Zora, not a human being! Do you really want to get involved with a half-fish, half-human female?"

Kenny looked shocked and stopped straining at Vic's hand long enough to ask, "Half-fish? Whaddya mean, Vic?"

"Don't you see her webbed hands? Her blue, scaly skin? Her bizarre head fin?" Vic pointed out these features.

Kenny subsided back onto his side of the announcer's bench. "Wow, you really saved me, Vic. I didn't notice. I, I wasn't looking at her hands."

"Ah, of course," Vic admitted, "Well, Kenny, it looks like being so top-heavy hasn't stopped Ruto from scaling the wall with ease."

Kenny looked surprised. "I'm shocked to hear you make a crack about her hooters, Vic."

"I'm talking about that aforementioned giant head fin, Kenny, not her bosom."

"Bosom! Hah, what a funny word!" Yet even as he chortled, Kenny's face was transformed to a mask of horror. "She's over the wall and sliding down...but...but..!!" Then Kenny whirled away from the camera, making a noise suspiciously like he was yelling, "RALLLPPHHHH!!" at the top of his lungs.

"Indeed," Vic observed wryly, "It seems that clothed contestants have a distinct advantage against the Blistering Wall of Death. Not such an attractive little minx when her bare backside is badly blistered and burned, eh, Kenny?"

Having regained some control of himself, Kenny snapped, "That's not funny, Vic. That sort of thing shouldn't happen to hot chicks. Just ugly ones."

"Well," Vic quipped, "thanks to your schoolboy crush, Kenny, we've missed most of the run. We'll just have to see who survived the Blistering Wall of Death for our next game after the commercial, just like everybody else. Still—nothing like our main elimination game to thin out the crowd of contestants, eh, Kenny?"

"Aw, man," Kenny grumped, "Ruto wasn't eliminated since she made it over the wall; but they're taking her to the hospital anyway."

The Humble Announcer cheerfully reminded, "When MXC returns, it's time to explore our perilous Legal Maze. Hey, feed this to your Moblin, fairy boy!"


	2. The First Round!

_Oh..._

_Something's gumming up the plumbing_

_Poor Luigi's in a bind_

_Killer Turtles out to get him_

_Creepy crabs are right behind_

_Fighter Flies, jeepers yipes!_

_They're all coming out the pipes!_

"_Mario, where are you?!"_

_It's Atari Mario Bros.!_

_With Mario from Donkey Kong, his brother Luigi, and lots of crazy creatures! And it's twice the fun when two play at once, 'cause you need all the help you can get!_

"_Mario, where are you?!"_

_Immediately after comes a commercial for SpikeTV's newest show._

Now the Humble Announcer returns with, "Let's get back in the game on MXC! Time to rejoin the battle; who will win between Nintendo's heroes and villains?"

As the hosts' booth reappeared, Kenny held the switchbox for his microphone in his hand and fiddled with it. "Can you hear me now?" he asked Vic.

"Nope," Vic responded.

"Not good," Kenny replied. Then he hit it. "Stupid microphone!"

In turn, Vic smacked Kenny atop his head with the paper fan again. "Kenny!" Vic barked, "Don't be such a baby. Go get yourself another one while I tell everybody about the next game."

"Awww," Kenny whined, "But Legal Maze is one of my favorites, Vic! I don't wanna miss it, I don't wanna!"

"Okay, okay," Vic sighed, "You can do it during our next commercial break. All right?"

"Yay!" Kenny smiled brightly.

"But before that," Vic quickly interjected, "I must admit we've had a true first here on MXC. The Blistering Wall of Death has resulted in a dead heat. Thus, no bonus points have been awarded, and both sides start with a tied score of zero."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Kenny waved impatiently, "Let's go to the Legal Maze already." In a rare burst of semi-professionalism, Kenny leaned forward toward the camera eagerly and launched into his description. "As you can see from this overhead view, our honeycomb maze is made of lots and lots of doors. There's only one way in and one safe way out. Our three big, buff, burly doormen are ready to comb the maze and help the contestants find the unsafe ways out."

"That's right," Vic agreed, "And we start things off with everybody's favorite elf, Link!"

The tall elfin teenager, clad in white tights and green tunic, stopped to try and scrape some mud off his knee-length boots at the maze's entrance. The Captain observed, "Nice hat." Link nodded silently, making the aforementioned green stocking adorning his head bob cheerfully. But Link missed some of the mud and slipped a little as he stepped up to the maze door. The Captain's quick and sure grip on his back meant that Link didn't fall. Instead, Link smiled firmly at the camera and nodded thanks to The Captain. With a little grin of his own and an inclination of his head, The Captain barked out, "Let's go!" And thus Link marched into the maze.

"Strong, silent type, isn't he?" Vic mused, "Say, Kenny, what are you wiping your brow like that for?"

"I'm just glad to see the real Link," Kenny said wholeheartedly, "I was afraid we'd have that crappy Celda stuff in our competition instead."

Vic smacked Kenny with the paper fan; face alight with righteous indignation. "Even we here at MXC have **some** standards, Kenny!"

"Wait, Vic, look," Kenny pointed toward the camera's continuing overhead view of the maze, "Link isn't running around much."

Vic considered it thoughtfully for a second before replying, "No, he seems to be systematically searching the maze."

"Ha!" Kenny laughed, "He thinks he's in his own game!"

"Indeed," Vic agreed, "but if he thinks our doormen will be as easy to defeat as Ganondorf's henchmen, he has another think coming."

"Here come the doormen!" Kenny chortled, "Link's not even trying to run away! Hey, wait—he's drawn his sword!!"

"I wonder if this sort of thing is covered in our workman's comp," Vic wondered aloud, "Our coworkers are unarmed, after all."

"But wait, Vic! One swipe and Link's sword has broken into a bazillion pieces! He's getting manhandled by our guys and shoved headfirst out a wrong door, right into our simmering pool of swamp gas!" Kenny cried. He turned to his cohost with astonishment written all over his clean-cut face. "How did that happen? I thought you said the contestants could do everything they could in their games! Link's sword never breaks like that! It looked like it was made of cheap plastic or something!"

Vic looked just as surprised as he stared straight out toward the monitor letting them see the maze. "I'm just as dumbfounded as you, Kenny. Well, regardless, Link has been eliminated. Let's go to The Captain and our next contestant."

The Captain was smiling broadly as he leaned on a sturdy steel (not to mention real) sword he'd recently acquired. Nobody noticed, since everybody was watching the massive form of Ganondorf Dragmire lumber up. Aside from being fully dressed in black clothing and a sweeping dark red cape, Ganondorf could easily pass for The Incredible Hulk's stunt double. Pointedly, Ganondorf put his even bigger, even thicker, even broader sword down in front of him next to The Captain's. The two men stared each other and up down; a little smirk coloring Ganondorf's features.

The Captain was not amused.

"Whoa, Vic," Kenny observed, "Looks like The Captain's got a case of sword envy."

"Ganondorf is rather impressive, Kenny," Vic admitted.

The Captain's face was tight as he said, "Get it on!" and beckoned Ganondorf toward the maze. The buff Gerudo guy turned sideways and started squeezing his broad shoulders through the doorway into the maze. Unable to fit both his sword and himself, Ganondorf released his weapon for a moment as he entered the maze. With the one-way door shut behind him and the sword closed off, Ganondorf forgot about his belongings for a moment as he muttered, "Now, where is that darned Triforce?"

"Say, Vic, I've been wondering: Does Ganondorf come from Mongolia or India or something? His skin's so dark," Kenny asked.

"No, Kenny, it says here that he is one of the Gerudo people. A tribe composed 99 of women," Vic read his cue cards with surprise.

"99? Wow, that's almost half," Kenny said.

Kenny got yet another paper fan cut on his forehead for that one. "No, Kenny, you mathematically-challenged monkey," Vic berated, "Try to overcome your Arizona education for a minute. 99 means that Ganondorf is the **only** male Gerudo at all. All the rest are female."

"You mean," Kenny gulped, "he's the only boyfriend for **all** those hot Gerudo chicks?" Without waiting for Vic to reply, Kenny's face fell as he buried his head in his hands. He looked so petulant that Vic was actually prompted to gently lay a hand on his shoulder, adding, "Why, Kenny, I didn't know you cared. I too feel for the women of Gerudo, having to look for love in only one very wrong place."

"Naw," Kenny said glumly, "That's not it. I'm just jealous of Ganondorf. All those hot chicks just for him! Besides, look at the guy. He's freakin' ugly. His nose is more humongous that Barbara Streisand's."

"Perhaps," Vic prodded gently, "Just like you and Princess Ruto earlier, the ladies of Gerudo aren't looking at his nose, Kenny."

"Aw, shut up."

As Kenny continued pouting, Vic looked at the screen. "Oh, my!" he called out, "Looks like Ganondorf has muscled his way past our doormen and scored a point for his team! That puts Nintendo's Villains on the board with our first score of today's competition."

"Yeah, yeah," Kenny grumbled, "Let's go to Gùy."

Swiftly, the camera switched down to Gùy attempting to get a quick interview with the victorious contestant. "So, Mr. Dragmire," Gùy gushed, "You won! How do you feel?" Without waiting for a reply, Gùy continued, "Oh, wait, let's just see how you feel for myself, eh?" Still keeping his grip on his microphone, Gùy proceeded to grab one of Ganondorf's biceps and start kneading it.

The King of Evil was so surprised at this blatant effrontery that he just stood there. Getting into it, Gùy purred up at him, "You feel quite nice indeed. All those girls all the time...you must be exhausted. Not to mention ready for a change of pace, ah-hah-hah-hah. Come back to my trailer and Gùy will give you a special LeDouchè massage to wash all concerns from your mind."

Ganondorf's enormous fist crashed down right atop Gùy's head. The pith helmet seemed to offer little protection as it broke and became a ring around his neck. Gùy's butt slammed down against the ground as his legs splayed, then he tipped over backwards.

Disdainfully, Ganondorf stepped over him to bellow, "Where is the Triforce?"

Crumpled in his wake, Gùy moaned, "Was it good for you, ah-hah-hah-owwww..."

Meanwhile, The Captain was exchanging formal greetings with Princess Peach Toadstool at the maze's entrance. If it wasn't for her inhumanly large blue eyes, the cutiepie blonde could've easily passed for a normal person in her formal pink gown. She curtsied to The Captain and grinned sweetly, "Nice to meet you!" The Captain chuckled, then bowed very deeply back. "Okay, miss," he nodded, "Let's go!" Looking determined, Peach plunged into the Legal Maze.

"What nice manners," Vic said.

"What a bore," Kenny yawned, "She's so sweet, she'll give you cavities."

Vic sighed, "I suppose you think the sweetheart of Mario's world would be more  
entertaining if she wore a V-cut tank top and shorty shorts while lost in a tomb, eh, Kenny? Of course you do. No reason we should have a good, upstanding female role model character, no."

"Don't forget she also needs hooters bigger than her head. Too bad she's not playing Rotating Surfboard of Death so I could see her underwear when her skirt flies up," Kenny grumbled. Then he added, "Besides, she gets kidnapped every three seconds. What's such a great role model about that?"

"Perhaps you're underestimating her," Vic returned, "Princess Peach seems to be giving our doormen the slip."

"Not all of 'em!" Kenny countered, "Deadbolt has her—dead to rights!"

"But wait! What's she doing?" Vic wondered.

"She's---she's---giving him a big kiss on the cheek!" Kenny said, "And Deadbolt's melting like a bag of ice cubes on the sidewalk in July!"

"And so," Vic picked up the narrative, "Princess Peach scores a point for her heroic team as she escapes the Legal Maze. I guess sweetness and light soothed the savage Deadbolt, eh, Kenny?"

"Well, c'mon, Vic," Kenny huffed, "Everybody reacts like that to their first kiss no matter who it's from."

"First kiss?" Vic quizzed.

"Oh, yeah," Kenny explained, "Have you ever smelled Deadbolt? That's **gotta** be his first kiss ever. I can't believe she did that. She should stick her head in the swamp gas and get less dangerous toxic germs on her face instead."

"For once, Kenny, you just might have a point," Vic reluctantly agreed.

Back at the beginning of the maze, a lovely dark-haired lady clothed - barely - in a pirate's uniform was leaning on The Captain's shoulder with one hand. The other was gingerly stroking the side of his broadsword, which had replaced the smaller weapon now on The Captain's belt. She purred, "Why, Captain, what a big sword you have..."

Smiling down at her, The Captain softly replied, "Your sword's not bad either. Such a lovely curve to it..." It was uncertain whether The Captain truly meant the curve of the rapier sword or the broad hips it was adorning.

Realizing the camera was back on them, The Captain hastily straightened up and away from her. He nodded firmly toward the maze, "Get it on!" With a big grin, the beauteous buccaneer stepped lightly into the maze.

"Who's this chick?" Kenny wanted to know.

Again Vic reached for his prompter cards. "That's Captain Syrup, villainess of two _Wario Land_ games on Game Boy," he informed his cohost.

"I never heard of her," Kenny said flatly.

"Well, Kenny, she was the closest thing we could find to an antithesis of Princess Peach in Mario's world. Remember, our competition is focused on the usual hero / villain match-ups you'll find in their games."

Looking suddenly very happy, Kenny cried out, "Hey, so you think after this, they'll put a Peach vs. Syrup mud wrestling match in the next Mario game then? That'd be totally awesome!"

"God, no, Kenny, that would be awful."

"Okay," Kenny pressed, "What if they did something else? Like play beach volleyball in thongs and string bikinis? And maybe had a mini-game where they buy each other food and clothes and stuff?"

Vic sighed toward the heavens in a give-me-strength expression. "Kenny, that would be X-tremely gratuitous and completely shameless right out of the Box. A game like that would never sell; who would buy it, dead or alive?"

"Well, what if they were topless?" Kenny wondered.

"Oh," Vic replied honestly, "That's different." Then his attention turned back to the monitor as Vic yelped, "But look! Captain Syrup has been cornered by our doormen! And she's brandishing...uh, nothing!"

"Ha ha!" Kenny guffawed, "She forgot her sword someplace!"

"Yes, indeed," Vic quickly responded, "And now she too has joined the crowd of eliminated contestants who've taken a dip in our swamp gas. So our score remains at 1 for 1 each team; let's see if our next heroic contestant can give their side a lead."

Kenny peered curiously at the tall man shivering alongside The Captain. The noise of the contestant's teeth chattering as he bit at his nails (despite his thick white workman's gloves) was clearly audible. Large drops of sweat were escaping the mustached man's green cap to drip onto his equally-green shirt and snazzy blue work overalls.

Back in the booth, the brainless announcer asked, "So who's this guy?"

Vic looked shocked. "Kenny, that's Luigi Mario. Mario's twin brother. One half of the Mario Bros. You must've played many, many games with him in them."

"Oh, yeah," Kenny smacked his own forehead for once, "That's right. The guy who looks sort of like Mario. I didn't recognize him."

"Well, Kenny, they **are** twins."

"Then why aren't they exactly alike? Luigi's taller and skinnier."

"They're not **identical** twins," Vic explained, "They're **fraternal** twins."

"Oh," Kenny responded, "So they're in college, then."

"Not a fratern**ity**," Vic growled, "Frater**nal**. Non-identical twins."

"Well, whatever he is," Kenny pointed out, "He's sure scared of entering our maze."

"Indeed," Vic confirmed, "But it looks like The Captain has finally managed to shove him through the door and get our game back underway."

"Hey, Vic, look at that! The Captain's got three swords now! The big one in his hands, and two more on his belt!"

Vic agreed, "Why, yes, you're absolutely right, Kenny. And it's not often I get to say that."

"Yeah, the one on his hip has a nice curve to it. Sort of like a pirate sword or something..." Kenny squinted at the screen.

Vic nodded at the screen for the maze itself in an attempt to bring his cohost's attention back to the main game. "So as you can see, Kenny, Luigi is utilizing a similar strategy to Link before. He's systematically searching through each and every room in our mansion-like maze."

"Yeah," Kenny crowed, "But here comes Deadbolt again! I'd like to see Luigi kiss him and get away with it!"

"No need, Kenny, when Luigi's got his ghostbustin' vacuum cleaner!"

"Oh-oh," Kenny said heartily, "Looks like Deadbolt isn't impressed by a vacuum meant for ghosts."

"Indeed, Kenny, as you pointed our previously, Deadbolt's not very big on personal hygiene. It seems like he's taken Luigi's actions as a personal insult....oooo!!" The last was a gasp of true sympathetic pain and surprise from Vic over what he was seeing.

"Wow, Vic," Kenny gushed, "I didn't think Luigi would fit inside his own vacuum cleaner. Specially all head-first like that."

"It's a good thing he did, Kenny," Vic assured, "Maybe his center of gravity will be low enough now that he'll float upright in the swamp gas long enough for Gùy to rescue him. Let's go down to Gùy and see what our canned hero has to say!"

At the end of the maze, Gùy was putting his shorts to good use by tramping into the shallow end of the gassy pool to retrieve the Poltergust 3000 cleaner without getting too wet. The khaki-clad wonder had a brand new pith helmet on and some makeup almost covering the dried blood from his nose. Nevertheless, his cheerfulness seemed quite restored.

Cradling the filled vacuum against one arm and clutching his microphone in the other, Gùy cheerfully asked the device, "So, what happened out there? How do you feel about the contest, hmm?"

With no part of himself visible (although the machine was bulging noticeably), Luigi said quietly, "It's-a all right."

Gùy laughed and smiled at the camera. "Nintendo characters," he said affably, "They're all so polite."

"Excuse-a me," Luigi said hopefully, "Could-a you maybe getta me outta here?"

"Oh, so sorry," Gùy effused, "but that would be against the rules of our Union workers. And you know what happens to people who break Union rules. I'm afraid Gùy will just have to leave you in the tender loving care of these gentlemen." Gùy paused to smile beatifically at three guys who bore a remarkable resemblance to Donkey Kong - despite how none of them were wearing neckties - who came to take the Luigi-laden Poltergust 3000 from him.

As the three walked away with their burden, Gùy stared after them with a mixture of fear and appreciation. He mumbled to himself wistfully, "Ah, a foursome. Lucky guy. Wish I were a lucky Gùy, ah-hah-hah-hah!"

Vic cut in as the camera returned to his even, handsome features. "Just one contestant left for this round! Can the villains pull ahead?"

This time, it was Kenny who was checking the announcer cards. Or trying to. His mouth working along with his eyes, Kenny read very, very slowly, "A-n-d...t-h-i-f...if...no, is..."

"Ahem," Vic broke in, "This is King Boo from the game _Luigi's Mansion_, continuing our archenemy theme. So this apparition is used to haunting roomy mansions, but can he get through our maze? Let's find out."

Below, The Captain was studying the ghost. Despite his impressive size, King Boo looked like a white beachball with teeny-tiny arms sprouting from his sides and a face on one end. And, of course, his kingly crown atop. Chuckling good-naturedly, The Captain said quietly, "I'm sorry, but you're just not very scary, my friend." Still, the show must go on, and ignoring King Boo's look of indignation, The Captain once more nodded toward the maze with a cry of, "Let's go!"

The big ghost turned intangible and passed harmlessly through the wall. Perhaps it was the stress of the moment, but Boo forgot to turn his crown intangible too. It clunked to the ground behind him, outside the maze.

Meanwhile, King Boo was effortlessly and insubstantialy gliding through the maze and the obstructing doormen alike. Up in the booth, Kenny moaned, "Aw, man. This is like, totally unfair. There's no way we can let him get away with this, Vic."

"Well, Kenny," Vic reminded quietly, "We did say the contestants would have the use of all their usual powers and abilities in our competition today. It was quite a challenge to pick among the survivors of Blistering Wall of Death as to who would participate in each event to avoid just such an occurrence. I suppose I'm not surprised we missed one." Then he squared his shoulders. "But you're right again. Twice in one day! Congratulations, Kenny! We'll have to disqualify King Boo and get another villainous contestant to make a run instead."

No sooner did the words leave Vic's mouth than Mewtwo appeared in the booth with a flash of Teleport light. For a second, the bipedal Pokèmon's eyes glowed softly purple as he raised a paw and intoned solemnly, "You don't need to disqualify King Boo."

Vic repeated, "We don't need to disqualify King Boo."

Mewtwo added, "The point for the villains stands."

Vic agreed, "The point for the villains stands."

Mewtwo finished, "Buy Pokèmon games, kids. You can go about your business. Move along," before vanishing in another flash of light.

"Buy Pokèmon games, kids," Vic parroted, "I can go about my—"

"Wake up, Vic, wake up!" Kenny hollered in genuine concern.

Not only Vic, but the rest of the film crew crowding the booth shook themselves awake at Kenny's cry. Quickly pulling himself together, Vic smiled at the viewers. "Okay, so after our first round, it's 1 to 2 in the favor of our vile villains!"

"No, Vic," Kenny responded earnestly, "King Boo's eliminated and that makes the score...uh..." Kenny's forehead furrowed as he tried hard to do the math. "It's 2 to 2! Almost tied! Remember?"

Vic smiled at Kenny with a long-suffering sigh. "No, Kenny, weren't you paying attention? He cleared the Legal Maze and it's 1 to 2, fair and square. Don't forget your new microphone during the commercial, okay?"

"Okay," Kenny confirmed, but a bit glumly.

The not-so-Humble Announcer cut in cheerfully, "When we return on MXC: Our contestants come down with a severe case of Irritable Bowl Syndrome! Check before you flush, plumber twin!"


	3. The Second Round!

"_Hey, kids, what time is it?!"_

"_It's time for proper hygiene!"_

"_That's right! Take it from me, Hank the Happy Hemorrhoid! Sing along with me, kids!"_

"_I get bigger when you void-_

_I'm Hank the Happy Hemorrhoid!"_

_YAYYY!!_

"_And buy Pokèmon games! Hey, wait---who are you?!!"_

"_I'm Samus Aran. I hunt Metroids."_

"_That's nice—why are you pointing your gun at me!?!"_

"_I just told you. I hunt Metroids. And it's a missile launcher."_

"_But I'm a Hemorrhoid!"_

"_I can't keep track of all you Metroids' mutations."_

_swishchunkfa-BOOOM!! AIIEEE!!_

"_Don't worry, kids, you're safe now."_

_YAYYY!!_

"_Oh, and buy Pokèmon games."_

_And next you see the same exact commercial for SpikeTV's newest show. Not even a different commercial for the same show, no. The **exact** same one._

"That's right, it's your Humble Announcer yet again as we return to the good, clean, sportsmanship fun that **is** MXC. Our do-badders are on top: can our do-gooders reverse the position or will they just go down like a Gerudo girl on a first date?"

As the hosts' booth materialized, Vic and Kenny were caught in the middle of a tug o' war over a microphone box. As the two men continued pulling and yelling at each other, one of the MXC staffers sitting behind them leaned forward to whisper in Vic's ear.

A quick smack of the paper fan and Vic reclaimed his trophy. Smiling at the camera, Vic said with forced cheerfulness, "And we're back! Time for our next event, Irritable Bowl Syndrome!" The next part he spit out of the side of his mouth. "For the last time, Kenny, you can **not** have my microphone box instead. Go get your own."

"Aw, man," Kenny responded.

Warming up to the camera, Vic explained the game to the viewers by saying, "So, here's how IBS works! First, enter your single-seater bowl. Next, make a run down our 50-ft extra-slippery slide. But even if you stay in your bowl all the way down our gushing water ride's length, you still must float across the narrow pool and touch the cushions at the bottom to score a point. Got it? Then let's get started!"

Kenny had returned his own mic box to his hand and was still fiddling with it as he mumbled, "Maybe it's this blue wire..." He stuck his finger into an open panel and was rewarded with a sharp jolt. "Oww!" Kenny recoiled.

Vic rolled his eyes and shored himself up; clearly Kenny was going to wait until another commercial to take care of his little problem and Vic would have to put up with it for a while longer. "Since you're still here, Kenny," Vic grit his teeth, "Why don't you tell us about what's going on?"

Kenny looked up to spy a cute green dinosaur happily waving to the audience from The Captain's side. In fact, the dinosaur seemed to do everything happily, and with cute little bouncy-boingy motions. But for once, not even Kenny could find disgust in his heart over this sugar-coated character. "Awww," Kenny said, "It's Yoshi!"

"Indeed," Vic was smiling sappily himself, "One of my favorites, Ken."

"Well, of course, Vic!" Kenny grinned, "Who could resist that cute little face?"

"Actually, my friend, it's kind of a big schnozola face, but I get your point," Vic replied.

As Yoshi stepped into his bowl and M & M, the twin MXC staffers, prepared to push him off, Kenny added, "I wish I had a Yoshi instead of my cat."

"Now, Kenny," Vic chided, "I've seen your cat and he's very cute too."

"Yeah," Kenny explained, "But he's not as much of a chick magnet as Yoshi. The girls must just come running for Mario!"

Vic sighed heavily before explaining, "Yoshi isn't Mario's pet. They're just friends. And I'm sure Mario is faithful to Peach as well."

"Friends, yeah right," Kenny laughed, "Especially when Mario rides Yoshi like a horse. Bet he says, 'Let's a-go, beeyotch!', just like I tell my cat before I jump on his back to go cruisin' for chicks. Except Mr. Sphincter doesn't carry me around well. He just sort of gets all flat and bites me in the nards."

Vic said, "Too much information, Ken. Let's get back to the game. Yoshi is off and showing an incredible sense of balance as he guides his bowl down the slide. He's reached the pool at the bottom—skimming across the waters toward the cushions and home---oh no! He's tipping over!"

"Oh no!" Kenny yelped, "Yoshi's not gonna make it!"

"But wait!" Vic returned, "He's leaning forward and—yes!! Yoshi touches the cushions and wins by his bulbous nose!" Indeed, the diminutive dinosaur was now a sort of bridge connecting his bowl and the cushions, with his snout on one side and his feet on the other. Yoshi quickly pulled his bowl over to the cushions, sealing the deal, before sitting down in his vehicle to rub his nose gently.

"That is impressive, Vic," Kenny admitted, "Man, his nose must be strong to hold him up like that."

"Indeed," Vic agreed.

"Jeez," Kenny continued, "Can you imagine the size of his boogers?"

"Kenny!! Ahem, our score is now tied 2 to 2 for each team! Let's see if our next contestant can overcome the Syndrome!"

As the villain stepped up to The Captain's side, Kenny instead pointed toward the MOC's head. "Hey, Vic, since when did The Captain have a big crown?"

"Why, I don't know," Vic replied with honest confusion. Then he pulled himself upright. "C'mon, Kenny, we've got to pay attention. I don't know what's gotten into us today, but we need to be professional! Focus on the game! Got it?!"

"Yessir," Kenny mock-saluted.

"Great," Vic missed the sarcasm completely, "So here's our villain contestant, the favorite apple of Bowser's eye, his son Junior!"

It was easy to see how the Koopaling got his name, since he was plainly the spitting image of his dad at a tender young age. The shock of unruly red hair adorning the bipedal turtle's little head was a dead giveaway. Junior ignored M & M's twin sets of helping hands to leap directly into his bowl, which promptly started down the slide.

"What a brat!" Vic charged

"Yeah, must make his dad proud," Kenny replied.

"Indeed," Vic said, "I suppose it does. But that bad attitude will find Bowser Junior no friends as his bowl tips over!"

"But look, Vic! He's tipped backwards onto his shell and is riding it down the slide instead!" And when Junior reached the bottom, he hopped completely out of his turtle shell. Then he picked it up, let the water drain from it, and put it back on.

Vic shook his head ruefully with a tight grin on his face. "That bit of showmanship won't help our little cheating ragamuffin. The rules clearly state you must remain in the bowl provided by MXC, not ride in your own; even if it's a bowl built into your own back. Bowser Junior is eliminated and our score stands at 2 to 2."

With another flash of Teleport light, Mewtwo again appeared. With a little sigh, the Psychic-Type creature said, "Must I explain it all again? Repeat after me: Bowser Junior is not eliminated. The point for the villains stands."

To the Pokèmon's astonishment, Kenny stood up and dashed over into his face. Anger was coloring Kenny's features almost as red as his fancy dress clothes. "Hey, don't you try anything funny on my friend! Just because you got away with it before!--I think. Maybe it was yesterday...hey, did you try to pull something uh, some other time?" Kenny's cheeks lost most of their flush as his forehead furrowed.

Unnoticed, Vic paused in parroting Mewtwo's words in the background.

Meanwhile, Mewtwo's eyes were glowing fiercely, but a huge drop of sweat was appearing on the side of his face. Aloud, he mumbled, "This one's confusion is not my doing. It is his own...but why can I not influence his mind?"

The fierce and normally-inscrutable eyes of Mewtwo widened in, perhaps, his very first moments of astonishment and horror. "This, this...Kenny," he concluded, "does not **have** a mind to coerce! He is utterly **immune** to all my powers!" To Mewtwo's evident relief, Kenny turned back to Vic and began pumping his friend's shoulder. The Pokèmon, shaking like a leaf, muttered, "I had best not try this again. Who knows what such a creature could do to me...you're on our own now, fellow fiends." Then he returned to the arena with his Teleporting abilities.

Showing an amazing amount of dexterity for himself, Kenny was actually managing to snap his fingers near Vic's ear with one hand as he waved the other in front of his friend's eyes. "Vic, Vic! Snap out of it!"

Vic mumbled, "And buy Pokèmon games, kids!" Then he blinked rapidly up at Kenny a few times. "Whoa—Kenny! What happened? The score, uh, the score is..."

Kenny procured a piece of scrap paper with a hastily-scribbled score on it in crayon. "It's 2 to 2, Vic! Bowser's kid is eliminated!" With a self-congratulatory chuckle, Kenny added, "I counted it myself."

"And thank you for that, Kenneth, indeed," Vic congratulated, "I guess I blacked out for a minute there. Okay, let's see our next contestant for the heroes!"

For once, Kenny didn't need prompter cards as he spied the oncoming contestant. "Hey, it's Fox McCloud! All right!"

Vic looked askance at his friend. "Big fan of the _Starfox_ series, Kenny?"

"No," Kenny replied flatly, then grinned widely, "But I am a big fan of Fox's main squeeze, Krystal! She puts the **fox** in _Starfox_, if you know what I mean, Vic?" He elbowed Vic gently, still grinning from ear-to-ear.

"But isn't she an anthropomorphic animal too?" Vic quizzed.

"Anthro-whatsis? Have you been listening to Professor Fossilius again?"

"It means she's an animal with a humanoid shape, Kenny. I thought you found that a real turn-off about Princess Ruto earlier."

Kenny looked crestfallen. "I never thought of that. Gee, thanks, Vic. You really know how to spoil the mood."

"Yes, Kenny," Vic chortled, "I daresay my ex-wife would agree with you. But let's see if this sly space fox can pilot an irritable bowl as well as he does his Arwing starfighter!"

Kenny considered the monitor thoughtfully. "Aw, wow, Vic, he made that look easy."

"Yes indeed, Kenny, he did. Perhaps, thanks to Krystal, Fox has a lot more experience with doing the dishes than he might let on. Makes you wonder who wears the uniform pants on that spaceship, eh, Kenny?"

"Huh?"

"Just forget it, that one sounded better in my head too. Let's go to Gùy and see what Fox has to say about his win."

At the bottom of the IBS slope, Gùy was helping Fox out of the bowl with one hand and still clutching his microphone with the other. "So!" Gùy gushed, "You were fantastic out there! Tell me, to what do you owe the secret of your success?"

Fox smiled warmly up at Gùy, his sharp teeth making the grin more intimidating than its owner intended at the moment. "A lifetime of piloting and combat experience, Gùy, a lifetime." Then he chuckled, "Besides, if I muffed this one up, Falco would never let me live it down. You think he'll be out of the hospital over that Blistering Wall thing soon?"

"Hmm," Gùy wondered, "Would you really say this event compares to flying a spaceship?"

"Oh, sure!" Fox reassured and began making hand gestures to accentuate his points as he described, "It's just like docking with another ship. You set up your ship on the approach vector, pilot it carefully past the outer walls, navigate the narrow slit, then penetrate all the way into the interior for the finish. Hey...why are you looking at me like that?"

Gùy continued smiling hopelessly at Fox as he said, "Perhaps we could retire to Gùy's trailer and discuss this subject in more detail?"

Fox grinned again, but this time, the narrow knives he had for teeth were bared quite purposefully. "You really want rabies in places you didn't know you had places, Frenchie? Do ya?!" His hackles were standing stiffly on end, their lengthy bristles easily clearing his flight suit's high collar.

As the camera cut back to the hosts' booth, Vic announced, "Next up for our villains is surely a face familiar to Mr. McCloud—his archrival from the Starwolf team, Wolf O'Donnell!"

"Hey," Kenny objected, "he looks just like Fox. Except his fur's darker, and his clothes too, and stuff."

"That's what those in the trade call a palette swap, Kenny," Vic informed, "it's a graphically cheap way to increase the number of enemies in a game. Easy on the memory chips too. You'll find it especially in most RPGs, although red and green Koopa Troopas are probably the best-known example."

"Oh. Hey, wait, Wolf's got an eyepatch too," Kenny pointed out.

"Ah!" Vic said, "A real difference! Kudos to the game designers for going the extra mile on that one!"

"Looks like they copied Fox's moves too, Vic. Wolf's owning that bowl as he cruises down the course."

"That's right, Kenny," Vic nodded, "which brings our score back to a tie, 3 to 3. Let's go to Gùy and see what's up down there."

Both Vic and Kenny relaxed against the back of their bench, enjoying a moment's off-camera time. Except they weren't off-camera. Unknowing of this, Vic waved his paper fan lazily at Kenny. "If you hurry, you might replace your microphone now, Ken."

Kenny stood up and started away, but another wave of the paper fan caught his eye and made him stop. "Oh," Vic added, "Get me a soda on your way back, would you?" Vic finally noticed the same MXC staff member tapping him on the shoulder who'd broken up that little tug o' war incident earlier.

Vic said, "What? We're still on?!"

Quickly Kenny sat back down as Vic straightened up hastily. "Oh, uh, it seems that Gùy is indisposed for a minute."

"He's not indisposed," Kenny pointed to an monitor set where the viewers' cameras couldn't see but the hosts certainly could, "He just doesn't wanna talk to Wolf. He's waving 'no' frantically at us like he's scared or somethin'."

"Be that as it may," Vic replied, "Let's get on with the game. Here's _F-Zero_'s favorite son, Captain Falcon!"

The human racer was chatting amiably with The Captain as the cameras zoomed in on the pair. Both men was studying each other's carefully tailored uniforms with interest. Not the sort of jealous interest The Captain had shared with Ganondorf before; but in a friendly comparing-notes sort of way. Falcon was saying, "...Yes, I think your uniform would look great in blue. Perhaps I'll try mine in white like yours."

Captain Tenneal added, "Oh, don't forget, my tailor's number is... Ahem Let's get it on!"

Nodding seriously to the camera, Falcon threw a little salute to it too as he let the M & M twins help him into his bowl.

"Ooo, look," Kenny gushed in a little kid sort of way, "Our Captain's got a little friend."

"They do bear a remarkable resemblance to each other now that I've seen them together," Vic admitted, "Perhaps our Captain will take up racing in addition to his other hobbies."

"Yeah," Kenny challenged, "But that Falcon guy isn't half as cool. **Our** Captain has three swords **and** a crown! What's this guy got? Nothin'!"

"Well, Kenny, he does seem to have his own cheering section," Vic offered as one of the cameras scanned the crowd. The rather impressive figures of fellow racers Jody Summer, Mrs. Arrow, and Kate Alen were bouncing up and down, left and right, up and down, as they cheered Falcon on. Oh, and all three women were jumping, too.

"Aw, man," Kenny began chewing his microphone box in bittersweet disgust, "That guy blows."

"At least you're not eating your heart out, my friend," Vic observed wryly, "And as to his run, Captain Falcon's got the same dazzling moves from his race circuit. It looks like just another day at work for him as he effortlessly conquers the Irritable Bowl Syndrome!"

"Hey, Vic, if we wanted to make a fair contest, why did we put a bunch of Speed Racer wannabes in the bowls?" Kenny wanted to know.

"For the same reason we let adventurers like Link and Luigi into our Legal Maze," Vic replied, "We're trying to strike a balance between the experiences of our contestants and not letting their unique powers and abilities give them an unfair advantage. Besides, I'm sure piloting our out-of-control bowls is still more of a challenge than a comfy futuristic race car or starfighter."

"Wow, it must've taken a lot of thinking to do all that," Kenny said with open-mouthed awe.

"Indeed. Which bring us to our last contestant for this round," Vic pointed at the screen, "Can he even up the score or will the heroes maintain their 4 to 3 lead? Let's go to The Captain!"

The man standing before The Captain was an odd contradiction in terms. His arms and legs were thick with muscle, and his chest wasn't bad, but his huge gut was barely constrained at his waist. The F-Zero pilot was smirking evilly as he sized up The Captain. "Well, well," the contestant drawled slowly, "Another prissy Captain to deal with. Better stand back, boy; wouldn't want your nice uniform to get all dirty."

The Captain laughed disdainfully and tossed the waves of hair peeking under his crown back with studied nonchalance. "Yeah, right. Like The Captain's gonna get his butt kicked by a guy with knockers? Get in the bowl, Peter Porker."

Face contorted with fury, the contestant lunged for The Captain's windpipe. Just as The Captain smoothly hooked his curved pirate's sword into the bowl and drew it swiftly between them. At the same time, The Captain's boot caught his attacker's and tripped the contestant headfirst into the bowl. With the M & M twins adding their smiles to his own, The Captain cried, "Get it on!" to send the irate racer on his way.

"And that ill-behaved fellow is Samurai Goroh, definitely the main archrival of Captains both on and off the F-Zero circuit," Vic supplied helpfully, "Let's see if his skills can match his mouth and give the villains back their tie!"

"He could—if he stayed in the bowl," Kenny offered, "instead of jumping out onto the slope and trying to get back to The Captain."

"What a display of poor sportsmanship," Vic said with evident disgust, "And it's doing him no good. Our wet and slippery slope has merely sent the bowl-less samurai unprotected into the pool at the bottom."

"Yeah, what a big baby," Kenny agreed.

"And here comes a troop of our MXC guards to make sure there's no further trouble from that quarter," Vic pointed out.

"They shouldn't bother. The Captain could kick his butt," Kenny weighed in with his opinion.

"Indeed. But Captain Tenneal has no time for fisticuffs; he still has a show to do. As do we," Vic reminded, "Let's see if Gùy will do his part!"

Somewhat to both hosts' surprise, the camera did cut to Gùy. The pith-helmeted wonder was trying to get close enough to ask Falcon some questions, but the racer was sandwiched inbetween Jody and Kate. Gùy thrust out his microphone arm close enough to catch Falcon muttering disgustedly, "...and that's why you'll always lose, Goroh. You let your emotions get the better of you." Not noticing Gùy, Falcon straightened up a little and nodded to both ladies on either side. All three strode off quietly, Falcon still holding a woman congratulating him in either arm.

Which left Gùy all alone with the beautiful Mrs. Arrow. They looked each other up and down from a polite distance. Then the bodybuilding beauty cracked a very, very friendly grin. She added, "You're amazing."

"Oh, please, Mrs. Arrow," Gùy put an accent on the _Mrs._, "Gùy likes to hear that, but not from a married woman! Think of your husband! And what are you doing chasing that Captain Falcon for, anyway?"

"I'm pleased Captain Falcon won for our team and nothing more," the amazonian racer returned, "Especially since my husband is recovering from your Blistering Wall and our team really needs Falcon without him. Besides, I'm also thinking of how beautiful I can look for my sweetie if you'll just share some of your makeup and hair care tips with me. Pretty please?" She looked at Gùy with big blue eyes shining out of her high cheekboned-face, a gentle riff of blonde hair spilling over her shoulders.

Relief washing over him, Gùy led Mrs. Arrow away, already talking and gesturing to her animatedly about proper care of oneself. She absorbed it all in a serious fashion.

Back in the booth, Vic observed, "Well, well. Gùy with a girl. There's something you don't see every day."

"Yeah. What a waste," Kenny moaned, "even when she's so butch."

"She **is** married, Kenny. I doubt she'd show you any special attention anyway," Vic reminded.

Once more, the Humble Announcer cuts in to announce, "Next stop on MXC: Forget the soap, it's Dope on A Rope! Just get in the dungeon, Princess!"


	4. The Third Round!

_His power is unequaled_

_His battles are legendary_

_His return is near_

_Get ready_

_For the 28th big screen appearance_

_of the world's biggest star..._

_Godzilla!!_

_From Toho Company Ltd., catch the all mon-star roll call of Godzilla's 50th anniversary celebration: Hedorah, Mothra, Mechagodzilla, Anguirus, Gigan, and more!_

_**Godzilla: Final Wars**_

_Coming this Christmas to a theater near you!_

_But only if you live in Japan. Crap._

_Then guess what! Yes, you see the same commercial for the newest SpikeTV debut **again**! Oh joy!!_

Our Humble Announcer returns with, "Time to rejoin the fun on MXC! Our heroes have the lead, but can the villains mustard the strength to ketchup? Get it? Mustard? Ketchup?...Jeez, who wrote this?"

Once again the hosts' booth fades into view. Vic continued watching bemusedly as Kenny tried to hold up an old-fashioned set of TV rabbit ears he'd wedged into his microphone box. "You know, Kenny, if that doesn't work," Vic waved his paper fan lazily, "You might want to try using some parts out of my old 8-track player."

"Shut up," Kenny responded.

"Don't be so saucy, my friend, just trying to help." Vic's smile took the sting out of his words as he straightened back up for the cameras. "Okay, we're back, and our game's only gonna get better! It's a 4 to 3 score with our heroes sitting pretty. But the next obstacle to their progress is a little thing we like to call Dope on A Rope."

Abandoning his antenna, Kenny continued fighting electrical interference to say, "Yeah! What a great game, Vic! Our contestants get a rope from our platform, run down a ramp, and pull a Tarzan as they swing around!"

"Ah, but even the Lord of the Jungle never had to stick his landings on a narrow circular platform. After performing a roundabout swing to get there to start with," Vic reminded.

"But I'll bet he could," Kenny argued, "If he didn't wanna fall into our pool of mucus and drool. Makes quicksand sound pretty good instead."

"Indeed," Vic observed, "Let's see who's up for the heroes!"

A young man on the cusp of adolescence appeared at The Captain's side. He was putting on a brave front, but the dark-haired boy paused to wipe his hands on his bluejeans despite his green fingerless gloves. As The Captain handed him the rope, the youth turned his red-and-white baseball cap backwards on his head with his free hand.

The Captain gently reminded, "Be a man, son. Keep a good firm grip, okay?" The boy nodded before adding, "I'll do my best, sir!" in voice nearly ready to crack into adulthood.

Up in the booth, Kenny asked, "So who's this runty geek?"

"That would be up-and-coming Pokèmon Trainer Ash Ketchum," Vic replied, "And I'd hardly call him a geek, Kenny. He spends most of his time exploring the wilderness, bonding with his Pokèmon, and defeating bad guys. Not exactly Bill Gates stuff, now is it?"

"Bonding! Wilderness! Yeah, right!" Kenny guffawed, punctuating each word with a slap on his own knee. "Guess I was wrong after all, Vic. That treehugger will never have a decent job in his life! What a lazy, good-for-nothin'..." The jovial host was cut off as Ash rather easily swung around the course and landed on the platform provided. He almost overshot it, but after pinwheeling his arms for a second, Ash regained his balance and laughed with joy. Then the youth threw a V-for-victory sign to the camera before happily bounding down to freedom.

Kenny, meanwhile, refused to meet Vic's mildly reproving gaze. Instead he muttered, "The kid just got lucky, Vic."

"Not really, Kenny," Vic disagreed, "I used to be a Boy Scout myself. I can understand some of what young Mr. Ketchum has to go through, living off the land in his travels as he does. It's a lot more physical than most people think."

"Yeah, yeah," Kenny continued sulking, "It's the villains' turn."

The rambunctious host was suddenly shocked out of his foul mood as a stripe of long (really, really long) bright red hair appeared next to The Captain. Turning to his friend in the booth slowly, Vic asked very neutrally, "Why, Kenny, I'm sure this is a familiar face to you from the opening of our show. Or a familiar figure, at least."

"Yeah, Jesse is the only good thing about that show," Kenny replied, "If only they had more hot babes in long leather boots. It would really boost their ratings."

Vic still looked coolly suspicious about Kenny's sudden (and rather intense) interest as, onscreen, Jesse graciously took the rope proffered by The Captain. The Captain's smile to her was just as warm as ever, but his eyes were a little cool compared to their initial conversation. One of Jesse's own eyebrows shot up as her gaze narrowed a bit. It seemed she would take this as a challenge.

But for the moment she had another challenge to conquer. Jesse charged down the ramp, swung into empty space, and landed on the platform in a teeter-tottering position similar to Ash's pose before. Jesse spun her arms frantically for balance as she tipped dangerously forward at the hips.

Kenny cried, "Okay, Special Camera Operative 007, zoom in now!"

Vic's eyes opened wide as a smaller monitor, usually reserved for communicating with Gùy down at the arena site, filled with a very interesting image. "Kenny!!" he roared, bringing the paper fan down on Kenny's noggin again, "That's terrible! What an abuse of your photojournalistic pride and good standing!"

"Whoa," Kenny gasped quietly, "So that's what kind of panties she likes."

Disgusted at his coworker, Vic groaned and turned away. Kenny responded, "Well, if she isn't showing off, howcome she always wears a microskirt anyway?"

Vic waved his fan at the director off-camera this time as he barked, "Turn off that feed! Let's get back in the game! Do we even know if she won or not, for crying out loud?"

"Who cares?" Kenny returned as he whipped out a small checklist. Still using his crayon to write with, Kenny muttered, "Okay, Pokèmon mysteries solved for today. Color of Jesse's underwear: Check. How does she get her hairdo like that?...Gee, I still dunno."

The hosts were interrupted by a incredibly loud wail. Even the cameras not strategically placed behind her watched as Jesse lost the battle for her balance. The weight of her hair tipped her over head-first into the mucky pool. Quickly the young woman righted herself; but her infamous 'do came undone. Even as she rose from the pool, her hair was drying and caking all over her. Thus another wail resounded across the course.

"Goodness," Vic admitted, "I feel a little sorry for her."

Kenny agreed, "Yeah, she looks like a redhead Cousin It with her hair down and muddy. What a dirty girl!"

"Kenny!!" Vic struck with his paper fan once again.

Meanwhile, the shambling mass still muttering, "James, you are in big trouble," in a vile tone had stomped her way out of the pool. Gùy appeared next to her with a large towel. "There, there, miss," Gùy cooed, "It'll be all right. Just take this nice, fresh towel and clean yourself up a bit, hmm?"

Gingerly, Jesse managed to get her face clean enough to see past her hair properly. It also allowed Gùy to see she'd begun sniffling quite a bit. "Thank you," she added in a puffy-eyed fashion, "Nobody's ever been nice to me before."

Gùy smiled, "It's all right. I've always felt sorry for young ladies of the night such as yourself. You really should get out of that line of work before something bad happens to you. Trust me; Gùy knows from experience, ah-hah-hah-hah."

Jesse's eyes and voice became steel. "Excuse me?"

"Well, uh," Gùy stammered, "You are...uh...I mean, the way you dress, young miss...it looks like, you know..."

Her hands wound around his throat as Jesse roared, "I'm a Pokèmon Trainer, not a cheap hooker!!"

Luckily for Gùy, Jesse's teammates leapt to his defense. Unluckily for him, James was quick to point out, "That's right! Jesse isn't a cheap date at all! She's very, very expensive! You wouldn't believe how much they want for popcorn at the movies nowadays!"

"_Et tu_, James!?!" she shrieked, switching her target. The ensuing free-for-all quickly rolled away from the camera's view and over a small hill. Forgotten, Gùy could only grin into the camera with brow-mopping relief and a thumbs-up.

Back topside, Kenny grumbled, "Aw, man. Too bad she had to pick a fight with Gùy instead of Princess Peach or something. I could use a good catfight."

"I'm sure we all could, Kenny," Vic quipped, "but now it's the heroes' turn. Can they extend their lead?"

The next hero stepped up to the plate. He looked roughly Ash's age, but it was hard to tell; apparently the people of his world were super-deformed. Which is to say the boy had a circular head much larger than it should be, along with stubby arms and legs enclosed in a striped shirt n' blue shorts. He too had a cap, although his was just plain red.

"Okay, Vic," Kenny admitted, "I give. Who's this Charlie Brown poser?"

"That's Ness from _EarthBound_," Vic read aloud, "although you might know him best from his guest appearances in the _Super Smash Bros._ series."

"Geez!" the cohost moaned, "Another freakin' obscure Nintendo character! Whoever picked the surviving contestants for this episode must be a total Nintendo fanboy freak. I never heard of half these people!" Kenny broke off when he realized Vic was glaring frostily at him. Under Vic's stare, Kenny flushed as something rare happened: a thought crossed his mind. "Oh, yeah," Kenny prompted himself, "That's right. You and the producers always pick the contestants. You even said so before."

Vic's face broke into a much too-friendly grin. "That's right, Kenny. Now why don't you be good and finally get another microphone box while I keep the show moving, okay?"

Kenny smiled in a reconciliating fashion. "Aw, Vic, I didn't mean it. Here, let me make it up to you! I'll do my best until the next commercial, I swear!"

"All right, all right," Vic waved his fan placatingly, "You can stay. But next commercial you're getting that box, understand?"

Vic suddenly noticed the camera feed to the arena. Captain Tenneal had handed over the rope, but he and Ness alike were tapping their feet as they waited for the go-ahead. Vic blushed. "Sorry about that, gentlemen. Please."

The Captain nodded, "Let's go!" and Ness leapt into space. He soared easily around and landed neatly on the platform, leaving a trail of softly glowing light (much of it coming from his head) as he went. With his safe point-scoring landing, Ness cried out, "Hah! Let's see Poo do that! Eat it, fanboys!" Then he too happily bounded off to watch the rest of the competition.

"Ha-ha! He said poo!" Kenny roared.

"Ness is referring to his teammate, Kenny," Vic prompted, "His name is Poo. Not to be confused with a certain silly old bear. Nevertheless, sounds like some friendly rivalry there."

"Huh," Kenny grunted in surprise, "Being named Poo must suck. And I thought just having a giant head like that would be bad."

"Having gargantuan craniums does seem to be a frequent RPG affliction, Ken."

"But Vic, you know what they say about guys with big heads," Kenny reminded.

"And what would that be, my friend?"

"That have big hands too," Kenny observed with all the wisdom he could muster, "No wonder Ness held onto that rope so well. Hey, this next kid's got a huge head too. He must be Poo."

"No, Kenny," Vic responded, "this competition is for archenemies as you'll recall. Poo is Ness' teammate and is thus ineligible. This youngster is Pokey, his real rival."

"Waitaminute," Kenny objected as he scanned his cue cards, "It says here the ultimate enemy in _EarthBound_ is Giygas, not Pokey. What's up with that?"

"Well, Kenny, when we tried to get Giygas to show up for today's competition, the entity refused to participate. In fact, we found we were incapable of even comprehending the form of Giygas' attack—I mean, refusal," Vic confessed.

"What does that mean?" Kenny wanted to know.

"That mean we've got Pokey instead, all right?" Vic huffed.

The blonde kid had taken the rope, but was staring defiantly out at the cameras. Or trying too, anyway, since his long bangs completely hid his eyes from view. His lengthy locks couldn't hide his buck teeth and pocket-protector shirt as Pokey announced nasally, "Before I make my attempt, I must inform the illustrious judges of something. Ness undoubtedly used his PK powers to enable himself to make the swing successfully. I possess no such abilities and respectfully request I be awarded a spontaneous point to account for my competitor's treachery!"

For once, the hosts didn't have to respond. The Captain gently bent over, saying quietly but with conviction, "Hey, son, everybody gets to use their powers in the events today. Keep whining like that and it's no wonder Ness beats you. So stop sniveling and stand on your own two feet for weal or for woe, got it?"

To everyone's surprise, Pokey nodded. And swung. And landed. On the platform, quite safely, and not in the pool. Pokey lifted his bangs with both hands to stare wide-eyed. "I did it! I did it!" he snort-laughed through his nose with pure joy, "I really did something!" Then the boy kicked up his heels as he left the platform behind.

Up in the booth, Vic was smiling broadly. "Now **that's** what I like to see, Kenny," Vic beamed, "some good, clean, honest sportsmanship. Imagine how that lad must feel, how his self-esteem must be soaring! Perhaps he'll even turn from his villainous ways now that he's got some moral support from his peers and—"

The cohost got cut off as Kenny once again made a noise like, "RRRAALLPPPH!" into a conveniently-placed paper trash bag. Then, wiping his mouth with a equally-convenient towel, Kenny added, "Yeah, sure, Vic. That's the kind of kid we'd depants in school. Except he's got shorts on. One of the other villains should totally make fun of him and spoil it for him right away." For a moment, Kenny studied another monitor thoughtfully. "Aw, man, the others are happy he scored a point for 'em."

"Could it be?" Vic gasped in honest surprise, "The villains actually appreciate his efforts?"

"Sure," Kenny grinned back, "As long as he's useful to them. First screw-up and Pokey's gone. We used to do that all the time in my gym class."

"Of course," Vic shook his head sarcastically, "why not, indeed?" After double-checking his facts, Vic straightened back up to the nearest camera. "But despite Pokey's efforts, the heroes still have a two-point lead over the villains. Will out competition get even more lopsided? Let's go to The Captain and find out."

The Captain was sharing the launch platform with Donkey Kong. The massive gorilla took the rope and warmly clapped The Captain's back with one hand. The blow nearly toppled The Captain over into the pool. Quickly, Kong helped the human straighten up. Laughing the little incident off, The Captain said, "Thank you, my good ape."

Kong held up a finger in mild reprovement. "Heyyy...That's **great** ape, sir."

"Of course," The Captain effused, then barked, "Get it on!"

As DK pounded down the launch ramp, Kenny observed, "I thought he only wore neckties. Why's he got a diaper on?"

"That's no diaper, Kenny, it's a bandage earned on the Blistering Wall of Death earlier, remember?" Vic reminded.

"Oh yeah," Kenny recalled, "Well, we have lift-off. He's coming around smoothly...and...oh, no Vic! That bandage is giving Donkey Kong a wedgie!"

"Indeed! And it looks like he's helpless before it's power!" Vic chimed in, "Donkey Kong has released the rope in favor of adjusting his bandage and taken a dip in our pool of muck. How unfortunate. A doubly foul fate when you're covered in fur, eh Ken?"

"Yeah, poor guy," Kenny said with all honesty, "My brothers used to do that to me and it isn't fun."

"Particularly when you're not used to underwear on your nether regions to start with," Vic admitted with a sympathetic shake of his head, "Let's go down to Gùy."

DK had managed to pull himself free of the pool and was standing at the edge. The muscular gorilla had his ruined necktie in one hand and his own forehead clamped in the other as he groaned repeatedly. His bandage must've gotten lost in the goop; the cameras were careful to keep to Donkey's front since his fur had been burned away back there earlier. Nobody was interested in bare gorilla buttocks, much less blistered ones.

Except, perhaps, Gùy. "Ooo, Mr. Kong," he stood uncomfortably close to the muddy gorilla, "Are you all right? That was a nasty spill. Let Uncle Gùy have a look to make sure you're all right..."

As Gùy tried to duck around him, Donkey forgot his necktie as he yelped, "Heyyy!!!" The gorilla picked up the interviewer soundly by the scruff of his shirt and grunted again. Then, clamping the other hand on Gùy's own butt, DK proceeded to toss the luckless television personality into the pool like an old wooden barrel. "Yeahhh!!!" Donkey Kong finished with a muscle-flexing pose to the camera in his deep voice, "Cooool!"

As DK ambled away on his knuckles, Gùy spit out some sludge and called, "Oh, yoo-hoo! Anybody going to rescue Gùy? I've already got my own line...I just need hauling in!" To prove it, he hefted his microphone cord.

Back in the booth, Kenny muttered, "Wow, that's another pair of khakis ruined today. Gùy's gonna have a cow with wardrobe when today's show is over."

"Indeed," Vic said, "So our villains are up and the score remains at 6 to 4 against them. Let's see who's on first, shall we?"

The creature clomping up to The Captain was vaguely reptilian. Crocodilian, in fact. At least in the face. But this bipedal beast had the thick arms and chest of a human wrestler (along with the gut). The Kremling made a grandiose sweep of his regal red cape as he posed for his loving subjects. Or at least, the audience and production crew alike. "Thank you!!" the contestant called out in a deep, slurred voice as he waved his hands in acknowledgment of cheers resounding only in his head, "Thank you!!"

To Vic's surprise, Kenny offered cheerfully, "Hey, Vic, I know this one. That's King K. Rool. I beat him up in Donkey Kong's games all the time."

"You're right yet again, Kenny!" Vic nearly laughed with wonder, "Three times today! Wow! Hey, you'd better slow down, my friend. You wouldn't want to use up all your smarts in one day, now would you?"

Kenny gasped. "Oh no! I think I did! No, I can't think! I've gotta stop! Aw, man."

Vic reached over to gently pat Kenny's shoulder. "Buck up, my little friend. The Captain's given the signal and the King is off."

"Yep," Kenny picked up the commentary, "Guess K. Rool is proving that Kremlings can be swingers too, 'cause he's heading right for the platform."

"But wait!" Vic cried, "His enormous girth is caused the rope to flay!"

"But wait again!" Vic was forced to amend, "The rope has snapped but the platform is in reach! K. Rool's considerable arm length has proven an advantage as he gets the landing platform in a deathgrip!"

"But can he pull his flabby folds of flacid flesh up?" Kenny wondered aloud.

He didn't have to wonder long. To the cheers of villains and not a few sympathetic heroes alike, K. Rool managed to get his stomach onto the platform. His position secure, K. Rool found his footing and bowed deeply.

"Impressive," Vic wiped his brow with his paper fan, "Most impressive."

"Hey, Vic," Kenny chirped, "I'll bet I can look just like K. Rool in a couple weeks if I want."

Vic regarded his cohost suspiciously. "Really? I don't follow you, Kenny."

"Well, just look at his arms...then look at his gut," Kenny pointed out.

"Yeah...?" Vic drawled.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kenny grinned, "He's got buff arms because he's lifting his beer all the time, and that gives him the gut too."

Vic rolled his eyes. "Okay, Kenny, that's it. Absolutely enough thinking for you for today. It's plainly starting to hurt both you and me. Go get your microphone box and stop using your brain right now, you hear me, mister?!"

Kenny looked mildly reproved. "Oh. Okay, Vic."

The Humble Announcer rejoined the fray with, "It's all leading into our final round of competition! Who will survive and who will be eliminated? Don't turn to another channel now! Hey...you can grab my Morph Balls any day, bounty huntress!"


	5. The Grand Finale!

_"Greetings, everyone. I'm Captain Tenneal._

_Do you find your life aimless?_

_Staid? Stagnating? Boring, even?_

_Think it'll always be this way until death finally releases you?_

_Well, you're wrong._

_If, and only if, you purchase a copy of my new book:_

"_The Captain's Daily Affirmations"._

_Featuring a daily dose of wise words on one side,_

_and a quick photo op of me (The Captain) putting them to work on the other!_

_It'll teach you how to grab life by the horns and put hair on your chest!_

_Unless you're a woman. Then that's just plain wrong._

_Oh, and don't forget, you can also pick up a copy of my autobiography, "Well, You're Wrong", for even more life-saving advice._

_So this is Captain Tenneal saying: Buy my books!"_

_And yes! YES! It's the final performance of that same commercial for the latest, greatest SpikeTV show! And you're just about ready to go postal and annihilate everyone on that selfsame show if the station shows that same stinkin' commercial one more time! ARRGHHHH!!_

"Allow me, the Humble Announcer, to welcome you back on MXC! It's the last stand for the villains as our final game begins! Will it be Game Over for the bad guys or will they just hit the Reset button? Let's find out!"

With the hosts' booth fading in once more, Kenny held his microphone box to his ear. "Hey, Vic!" he beamed, "I can hear the seashore!"

"Kenny!" Vic snapped, "You didn't replace that thing again?!"

Kenny looked hurt. "But, Vic, you told me to stop using my brain. So I figured I'd have to wait." He smiled broadly once again and slapped his knee. "Good thinking, huh? I mean not-thinking."

Vic ignored his cohost (more or less) to mutter to himself, "It's okay, just a few more minutes of air time, I can deal with it...Okay!!" The quietly handsome host straightened up and squared his shoulders. "Here we are at the final round! It's time for Nintendo's best and worst to go up against the **ultimate** Elimination Game!"

Kenny helpfully provided a drum-roll sound effect with his mouth.

Vic finished, "None other than: Log Drop!!"

Kenny added, "Dun-dun-dunnn!!" as ominously as he could.

Indicating the monitor, Vic helpfully explained, "As any fool can plainly see, Log Drop consists of eight big, thick, round logs suspended in a row over yet another pool of semi-hardened bird droppings. The contestants must do their best lumberjack impressions to make it across each and every log to safety on the far side."

"I can plainly see that," Kenny pointed out.

"Ah, yes, Kenny," Vic swatted with the paper fan, "But you're not just any fool, you know."

"I know," Kenny grinned in an empty-headed fashion, "Thank you."

"You're always welcome in my book, Kenny. Let's go to The Captain!"

A very cheerful young redhead had joined The Captain at the starting point. Her smile was nearly as dazzling as her yellow crop top. She paused to hitch up her blue shorts, despite her suspenders, and nodded firmly at Captain Tenneal that she was ready.

Vic read his cue cards, "And this nice young lady is Misty Williams, Water-Type Pokèmon Trainer extraordinarè."

"Ha! Nice young lady!" Kenny's knee-slap resounded across the booth, "That's a catch phrase meaning she hasn't got boobs. Like saying she's got a wonderful personality."

Vic reminded Kenny sternly, "There's more to a woman than just her bust size, Kenny."

Kenny sobered, "Yeah, that's true."

"Indeed," Vic agreed.

Then Kenny added, "Hopefully she's got a nice butt too. But this skinny chick doesn't have that either."

"She's only thirteen, Kenny. There's only one word for too much of that kind of talk around such a **young** woman: jailbait. I suggest you focus on the game," Vic sternly chided.

Meanwhile, The Captain had been politely but firmly arguing with Misty. She protested, "But I don't have any other clothes with me, sir!"

"A young lady should **not** be in such a state of undress. You'll catch your death of cold," The Captain insisted. Suddenly he brightened. "Here, take my coat."

"Really?" Misty chirped, wide-eyed. A little bit of blush colored her cheeks.

"Certainly," The Captain assured her as he shrugged himself free of his outerwear. The Captain's undershirt was black and clung to his muscles slightly in a rather appealing fashion. Misty found herself staring at the much larger man as he gently helped her into the suit's coat. She finally managed to murmur, "Thank you," quietly to him as she blushed down to the tips of her toes.

"Of course," The Captain's smile was warm but polite, "Now let's go!"

On the other side of the video feed, Vic chimed in with, "And we're off! She's bounding across the logs with ease. Looks like although this young miss may miss in the cheesecake department, she does have legs and she knows how to use 'em, right Kenny?"

"Whoa—yeah! She's ruling that course!" Kenny was obviously impressed despite himself. Then his face screwed up in horror. "But she's tripped!" Kenny hollered, "Look at her straddle that log! Only thirteen, huh? I'd say she's an old pro at this! Maybe that Ash kid is pretty lucky after all!"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Kenny!!" Vic roared, "Just as Misty has gotten herself out of that jam and—oh no! She's lost her regained footing and done a header into the pool! So much for The Captain's jacket, too."

"Aw, man," Kenny grumbled, "'Cause of that stupid jacket, I can't see her wet t-shirt."

"Kenny, don't make me hurt you."

"Sorry."

Vic continued to regard Kenny sternly for a moment. Finally satisfied that Kenny was actually contrite for once, Vic admitted, "That's better. Okay, here for the villains is the other half of Team Rocket's most well-known duo, James Morgan!"

The blue-haired youth in the white Team Rocket uniform was busily applying some make-up to his face with the aid of his hand mirror. It didn't do much to cover the black eye and fingernail / claw scratches that Jesse had recently given him. The Captain finally got James' attention by offering a little poke in the side with his pirate's rapier. "Oh, so sorry," James gushed, "But I do want to look my best for my legions of fans."

"That's nice," The Captain laughed, "Now let's go, pretty boy!"

"Yessir!" James saluted and bounded into action.

Upstairs, Vic reminded, "And this is the villain team's big chance to catch up! Will he make it?"

"Look like this guy's a little light in his loafers, Vic," Kenny pointed out.

"Indeed, perhaps an unfair advantage," Vic admitted, "Because he seems to be sailing over those logs."

"Maybe he's just high on life, Vic," Kenny wondered aloud.

"Regardless of the reasons, Kenny, it seems that James has literally made his point and racked up a tie of 6 to 6. Let's go to Gùy and see what this happy-go-lucky victor has to say!"

Gùy had cleaned up well (albeit hurriedly) from his mud bath before. Nevertheless, he was regarding the contestant with a very cold stare, and from a good distance, too. "Well, well," Gùy almost snarled, "I'm sure you think you're Mr. Smarty-Shorts for winning at Log Drop, don't you?"

James corrected him with a tut-tut noise and the wave of a finger. "Ah-ah, my good man. I'm wearing pants, not shorts."

"Hmm," Gùy responded, his expression not changing one iota, "I'll have you know that there's only room for one of us on this show."

"One what? Why, whatever do you mean?" James quizzed.

"Well, your door swings both ways, doesn't it?" Gùy looked a little quizzical himself.

James drew himself up in shocked outrage. "No, it certainly does not! It's just---it's just--!!" The young man fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands as the tears started to flow freely. "It's Jesse! She's completely emasculated my manhood! I can prove it—she keeps them in a little metal tin in her hair somewhere! I don't understand, I wear the pants, she wears the skirt...yet I suffer the ultimate in henpecking every day—and we're not even married!" He managed to break off his crying jag to look up momentarily, wide-eyed, as he finished, "I'm so confused!!"

"Oh!" Gùy said with wonder, "You did seem somewhat lighter than most men as you pranced over the logs. How terrible! Come with Gùy, I will help straighten you out (so to speak). Ah-hah-hah-hah!"

As Gùy gently lead James away with a supporting arm on his shoulder, Kenny remarked, "That's gonna work. Yeah, right."

"Amen, Kenny," Vic chortled lightly, "A clear-cut case of the blind leading the blind. But that's none of our business. Now it's the heroes' turn. Will they pull ahead once more or will the tie remain? Let's find out!"

Up on the starting platform, Samus Aran was regarding The Captain with a little smile visible through her helmet's visor. "You know," she observed wryly, "Usually it's me who's stripping for the audience. Once the player earns the best endings in the game, anyway." Gently she laid her hand against his chest. "Not that I'm complaining," she continued softly.

"Nor am I," The Captain warmly assured Samus, "but we still have a job to do. Let's go!"

As Samus launched herself into action across the Log Drop, Vic launched into his narrative simultaneously. "So she's off! Look at her go! What style, what grace!"

"What a butch chick!" Kenny complained, "She's, like, the poster girl for steroid abuse. And why's she got that armor on, anyway?"

"That's not just armor," Vic assured his coworker, "Samus' Power Suit is also a spacesuit that protects her from hostile alien planetary environments."

"Spacesuit?" Kenny's face lit up with evil glee. "Did you say spacesuit? So she comes from outer space?"

"Yes," Vic drawled warningly, "Why, Kenny?"

Still grinning maliciously, Kenny laughed, "That means she's an ass-tronaut! Get it, Vic? Ass-tronaut?"

Vic groaned, "I get it, Kenny."

"Ha-ha! Ass-tronaut!" Kenny paused to study Samus critically as she finished scoring a point for her team. "Hey," he continued, "I thought space chicks were really built like on _Star Trek_. She doesn't look like much of an of an ass-tronaut to me. She ain't got no hips, she ain't got no ass-"

With the aid of her suit's Speed Booster upgrade, Samus flashed across the arena, through the host's booth, smashed Kenny flat on his ass-tronaut, and returned to the winner's circle before anybody could finish reading this sentence.

Vic regarded Kenny's upturned legs with grim bemusement. "You know, Kenny, something just occurred to me," he said with all the cheerfulness in the world, "I think your malfunctioning microphone means Ms. Aran's suit can pick up your transmissions. She could hear everything you've said."

"Huh? Wha?" Kenny moaned as he sat up, holding the side of his face. It was already starting to swell up. He pulled his hand free for a second, requesting, "Hey, Vic, am I bleeding?"

"That's very impressive," Vic observed, "I can see a perfect imprint of Ms. Aran's fist imbedded in your face, Kenny."

"Really? Wow! I'll never wash my face again!" Kenny's eyes got all dreamy from wistfulness and plain shock alike.

Vic responded, "Don't you mean you'll never get facial reconstruction surgery instead, my friend?"

Kenny ignored the comment as he continued moaning, "Man, that James dude should borrow a spare set of balls from Samus. She's got plenty to go around."

"Indeed," Vic agreed, "and her gumption has combined with her skill to put the heroes ahead in a score of 7 to 6. But here's her archrival, the SA-X, which should be able to tie **things** up if anybody could."

Kenny looked perplexed. Which is to say that he looked quite normal. "Why do you keep saying it like that about her, Vic? You know, **thing**?"

"It's an in-joke, Kenny," Vic reassured, "Just watch the action."

"Okay," Kenny agreed and proceeded to stare emptily at the monitors. Vic had to reach over and gently wipe the unnoticed blood and snotty drainage from Kenny's wounds clean with a handkerchief.

It seemed that The Captain had been arguing with the SA-X in the meantime. The doppelganger had her helmet off, which only heightened the effect of her eyes lacking pupils or irises. She was grinning sappily at The Captain and making kiss-kiss faces as she toyed one-handed with his undershirt strap.

The Captain had strategically placed the big broadsword between them, but it didn't seem to be helping much. Now he pulled the rapier and the long sword from his belt; one in each hand. "Hey, hey! Back off, toots!" The Captain commanded with all the authority he could muster.

For her part, the SA-X merely slid her gun port off to clunk onto the platform unnoticed. She grabbed The Captain's other shoulder with the hand thus revealed and pulled him into a long, passionate liplock. The Captain's eyes bulged and his arms waved frantically, but he couldn't quite bring himself to either drop his weapons or actually cut the creature.

Finally, she let him go for some air. Gazing passionately into his eyes with her own (or trying to, at least,) the SA-X breathed huskily, "Now let's get married."

Swiftly The Captain tucked both swords back in his belt.

Then he turned to the Log Drop.

Scooping up the broadsword one-handed and holding his crown on with the other, Captain Tenneal began bounding across the logs for all he was worth. "For God's sake, help me, somebody! Anybody! Gùy, where are you?!"

In the throes of passion, the SA-X launched into enthusiastic pursuit. Mutual inspiration kept both pursuer and pursed on their feet across the logs and disappearing from the camera's view off to the side. But even as they made their trip, another Speed Booster flash went by to defend her man. Soon the sounds of off-camera explosions were shaking every camera tripod and microphone in sight.

The hosts had been watching these events with mutual jaw-dropping wonder. Now Kenny was alight with indignation. "Cut over there! Get me some footage, now! C'mon! We can't miss the ultimate chickfight!"

"I'm afraid we will, Ken," Vic admitted sadly, "None of our camera operators seem to want to go near that disturbance. I can't say as I blame them, either."

For a moment, Kenny forgot the pain in his swollen cheek and eye. Until he tried to prop his face up with his hand on that side, however. "Ouch!" he yelped, then settled into a crossed-arm funk. "Buncha wimps. That footage would be gold, I tell ya! Gold! I could sell it on the Internet for a fortune! It'd be better than all those illegal sex parody comic books of _Metroid_ out there already!"

"Nevertheless, Kenny," Vic said in a clear attempt to get things back on track, "The SA-X has successfully completed the Log Drop and our score returns to a tie status, 7 to 7."

"What about The Captain?" Kenny demanded, "Which team does his point count for?"

Vic sighed, "The Captain is part of the show's staff, Kenny. He's neutral."

"Really?" Kenny looked genuinely surprised. "So he could use a spare pair too? I wonder why that SA-X chick-**thingie** was so hot for him then."

"Kenny!" The paper fan swung again. "Our coworker is neut**ral**, not neut**ered**! Everything's just one big dirty joke with you, isn't it?"

"Yep," Kenny confirmed, trying to squeeze his puffed-shut eye open anyway.

Shaking his head, Vic turned once more to the cameras. "What am I gonna do with you, Kenny, I---Okay, forget it. It all comes down to this! Our final two contestants! And I'll bet any Nintendo fan out there can guess who they are, but can anyone guess who will score and cement their team's win? Let's find out! Captain?"

Kenny gasped, "We can't go to The Captain. What'll we do, Vic?! What'll we do?!"

"This has never happened before," Vic's face was ashen and his voice was tight, "We must remain calm, Kenny, lest complete anarchy claim us all."

Both announcers turned to their monitors at a gentle call of "Yoo-hoo, boys--?"

Gùy was smiling happily as he stood in the Master of Ceremonies' customary place at the starting platform. Next to him was James, who'd ditched his Team Rocket uniform for a set of khakis. White khakis, actually. And, of course, a pith helmet and microphone. "Ooo!" James squealed, "We'd be delighted to help you out of your little jam here, wouldn't we, my good fellow?"

Gùy grinned, "You know it, boyfriend! Ah-hah-hah-hah!"

He got a sharp elbow in the ribs. "Don't say that," James sternly warned, "I've almost got my sexual identity repaired, you know!"

"Sorry," Gùy said and meant it.

Vic put on a game face and said, "Well, that's...nice of you. I suppose we'll take them up on their offer, eh, Kenny?"

"Aw, man," Kenny whined, "I wanted to say 'Let's go!' for once."

But at the twin interviewers' side had already appeared the veritable captain of the hero team. Mario shook Gùy and James' hands eagerly with a warm grin of his own. "Pleased to meet-a you," Mario said. Then he snapped his own suspenders and pushed his red cap down on his head a little more as the portly plumber psyched himself up.

Gùy turned to James with, "Would you do the honors?"

"Of course," James said. Then, in his very best Mario impression, James added, "Let's-a go!"

With a happy laugh, Mario began leaping across the logs, his solid brown work shoes somehow making their usual _sproing_ noise with every jump.

"Incredible," Vic described the action eloquently, "Just incredible. A chance to watch a real master at work."

As Mario did his usual victory pose for his successful run, Kenny admitted, "Yeah. He's pretty cool, even if he is as falsetto as Gùy."

Then Kenny wondered, "So if they're the Mario Bros., then this guy's full name is Mario Mario, right?" Immediately Kenny answered his own question with, "That's freaky. Two first names. And they're the same. Makes Peach Toadstool sound almost normal."

Vic turned to his cohost with a wink. "Of course, Kenny, it still might be better than being 'the hero formerly known as Jumpman', wouldn't it?"

Kenny's face lit up with recognition. "Hey, that's right! And wasn't the chick in _Donkey Kong_ named Pauline?" His expression grew somber for a minute. "So you know how there's been a little kid named Baby Mario in some of the games lately, right?"

"Yes," Vic confirmed.

Kenny continued, "But Mario's there too. So they're not the same person, right?"

"I read in the instruction manual that the Baby Mario in _Yoshi's Island_ and our contestant are one and the same," Vic pointed out.

"Instruction manuals? Who reads those?" Kenny waved the distraction away before persisting (lest his train of thought derail), "But not in any other game Baby Mario's appeared in, right? They've got a Baby Luigi now too. And Peach has never been pregnant, either?"

"I have never seen the world's peachiest princess in that condition in any video game ever," Vic was quick to point out.

"So," Kenny finished, "I wonder if Pauline is really such a thing of the past as Mario wants Peach to think, huh? Huh? Guess Mario's a playah after all." He elbowed Vic gently, grinning ear-to-ear. "Oh, wait, I almost forgot. I mean she's a **thing** of the past."

Sighing, Vic found that his wrist had been overused with paper fan smacks today; he just didn't have the energy for one more. He admitted gravely, "Sometimes I do wish Nintendo would put more forethought into some of their gaming ideas. On a related note, why is Peach the ruler of a bunch of mushroom people? Her grandmother in _Super Mario RPG_ is a Mushroomite...Is she only half-human or what?"

Kenny grinned in a great amount of self-satisfaction. "Now you're the one thinking too hard, Vic. It's just a game. I think. No, wait, I mean, I not-think."

Vic was still trying to puzzle it out as he added, "However, I sincerely doubt it's anything like what you're implying, Kenny. Perhaps the Baby Mario Bros. are merely cousins of the adults or something."

"Yeah, cousins, right! That's it, Vic, for sure!" Kenny laughed in a rare display of sarcasm, "Sure, Pauline hasn't shown up in twenty-three years, plenty of time to pop out lots of little Marios; but that's got nothin' to do with it!"

Instead of rising to Kenny's bait, Vic turned to the cameras with, "It's the villains' last chance to tie once more and force our game into overtime. Can they do it?"

The arena shook as Bowser, King o' the Koopas, lumbered up the dangerously-creaking steps. The bipedal turtle's spiked (not SpikeTV) shell was far too wide. Without entirely meaning to (but definitely without caring), Bowser belly-bonked both Gùy and James right off the platform merely by stepping onto it.

Gùy groaned, "Not again!" as he hurled headfirst into the goop.

After he'd surfaced, James found himself caking a little more of the stuff on his face, claiming, "Ooo, this should do wonders for my complexion."

Up on the platform, Bowser flexed his muscles before snarling, "Grahh-grahhh!!!" at the top of his massive lungs. Then the orange-bellied beast hitched up his green shell and used his stubby legs to leap toward the first log.

"Uh-oh, Vic!" Kenny cried, "Those ain't basketball players' legs Bowser's got to work with there!"

"Indeed they aren't, Kenny," Vic agreed, "which would explain why Bowser has dropped onto his belly. He's skimming atop those logs with ridiculous ease."

"Yeah," Kenny noted, "For once it's a good thing he's so big and fat 'cause he can't fit into the gaps between the logs anyway."

"We'll need to set up for overtime, Kenny!" Vic yelled as the excitement took firm hold of him.

"Guess you spoke too soon, Vic! That log's crackin' like that iceberg the _Titanic_ ran over!"

"And our twin interviewers are still in the way! Bowser's going down and he's taking the entire Log Drop with him!" Vic's hands flew to cover his eyes, not daring to peek out as he screamed, "Oh, the humanity!"

Kenny added, "And Gùy is still in the way! Don't look back, Gùy! Just swim for it! Swim, Gùy, swim!!!" Then he noticed that Vic was still quivering behind his own hands. Kenny grasped his friend's shoulder firmly, prompting, "Hey, Vic, look, look! Everybody's all right!"

"What? Really?" Vic finally pried two fingers apart to peer between them at the monitors.

"Yeah," Kenny reassured him, "The wave from Bowser's splashdown pushed 'em both right out of the pool. Actually, the whole pool is empty...now..." Indeed, before Vic's wondering eyes did appear the image of Bowser angrily clawing himself free of the broken logs in an otherwise barren hole in the ground. The Koopa was chewing on an previously undamaged log in sheer frustration.

Vic brightened considerably. "Well, then, that's it! Unable to complete the event and score, King Bowser Koopa is eliminated! And that means Nintendo's heroes take the win over the villains in a 8 to 7 battle royalè!" Vic turned warmly to his friend and cohost, adding, "That almost wraps things up, doesn't it, Kenny?"

Kenny took a page from Vic's book by responding seriously, "Indeed."

"And you know what it's time for now, then?" Vic prompted with a grin.

Kenny responded with a face-splittingly wide smile of his own. "Yeah, the most awesomest part of the show!"

"I proudly present Kenny Blankenship's Most Painful Eliminations of The Day!!"

#10: Goes to our own Gùy LeDouchè! For not one, not two, but three really dumb things he does; all in one day! First he muscles up to Ganondorf, then Donkey Kong peels him like a banana, and finally he gets between Bowser's backside and the floor. Always a **baaad** place to be, you know what I mean?

#9: Goes to Link! He tried to sideswipe his way through our Legal Maze, but when his sword broke, our doormen knew it was time to cut him down to size. Or maybe cut him to the quick. Bet it felt like a real stab in the back, didn't it? Oops, it's my cut-off time, I've had too much! Still had to be better than being in that Celda game, though.

#8: This one's for Captain Syrup! After seeing this pirate babe, you wouldn't think she's lacking weapons, but she found herself flat busted without her sword in the Legal Maze too. Our doormen set up a little ménage à boy toy before making her walk the plank. Ha-hah, I came up with that one myself!

#7: Please, a moment of respect for another one of our own. Me, Kenny Blankenship! For being stupid enough to cross the buffest, baddest babe in the galaxy when she could hear me. Guess she kicked my ass-tronaut! Next time, I'll have to say it when she's not listening, hee-hee! Hey, let me check...ass-tronaut! Nothing...whew!

#6: This slot on my top ten belongs to Bowser Junior! This tyke tried to gouge out a victory by riding his shell instead of his bowl in Irritable Bowl Syndrome, but all he did was make some skid marks on our course. And I'm the eyewitness who can prove it!...I think. Was that today? Or yesterday? Aw, heck.

#5: Goes to James Morgan! Sure, he wasn't technically eliminated, since he competed the Log Drop and actually scored a point for his team! But I'm talking about the extremely painful elimination of his most prized possessions, courtesy of Jesse, a long-long time ago. A moment of silence, please, for his forlorn and no-longer conjoined twins.

Okay, moment's over!

#4: Give it up for Samurai Goroh! This loser loses his cool during Irritable Bowl Syndrome. Loses his bowl, too! And his dignity! And whatever chance he ever had of nailin' those hot _F-Zero_ chicks, 'cause nobody likes an angry loudmouthed guy with a temper. And he's fat too.

#3: None other than Luigi Mario! He may know how to clean house in his own mansion, but he got flushed right outta the Legal Maze. Guess his girlfriend, Princess Daisy, needs to get him doing the cleaning even more often 'cause he ain't got the hang of it yet. Hey, 'weegie, guess your vacuum isn't the only thing that sucks! Ba-dump-dump, ching! But seriously, folks!

#2: That Jesse chick! (What is her last name, anyway?) Maybe if she wasn't so top-heavy with hair (yeah, hair, right), she wouldn't have done a header right off our Dope on A Rope event. But then again, I wouldn't get to see her all hot and bothered after landing in our vile pool. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Ooo, a dirty girl! She needs to be washed! And spanked!

#1: This could only belong to Bowser Koopa, King o' the Koopas! Or should I say King o' the Stoopas? I mean, c'mon! Not only did he eliminate himself, he eliminated the **entire** event! Single-handedly wiping out our entire Log Drop with nothing more than his titanic turtle tush! Good thing we let this lard-bottomed leatherback go last anyway, or our competitors wouldn't have had anything to compete on! Turtle soup, anyone? Woo-hoo!!

Vic laughed and clapped his friend good-naturedly on the back despite himself. "And another great competition comes to a close," he added warmly.

"That was fun, Vic," Kenny admitted as he rubbed his swollen face gently, "Maybe we could do a Sony or Microsoft-only version of MXC next time, huh?"

Vic could only shake his head sadly. "I'm afraid I have to burst your bubble, Kenny. Nintendo itself created and owns each and every game series featured on our show today. The same can't be said for the competition. Neither of those less than illustrious game studios have enough of their own creations to even begin to staff an MXC competition. Despite what the casual gamer might think, 99 of 'their' creations, even the ones exclusive to individual consoles, are really owned by third parties such as SquareEnix or Bungie."

"Wow! Almost half of them again! But, aw, man," Kenny was forced to grumble once more, "Can't you just see those _Final Fantasy_ chicks using the Dope on A Rope platform to put on a J-pop concert? That would be awesome!"

"Now that's just what we need," it was Vic's turn to grumble, "A bunch of teen pop prima donnas in charge of saving the world. I feel safer already." Then Vic turned, including the troop of MXC staffers behind them in his wave. "So, what do we always say?!" he called out.

But before anybody could respond, Captain Tenneal pulled up in his clean white convertible. The top was down, his uniform was complete and spotless, and his new crown was gleaming as The Captain was beaming. The swords were in the backseat, along with plenty of Nintendo characters of the female persuasion. But the one stealing the show was a vaguely familiar and very muscular blonde in sunglasses, halter top, and super-tight shorts filling out the passenger seat at The Captain's side.

The Captain joined the women in a chorus of "Don't get eliminated!" as they raised their fists in cheer.

Sunglasses girl pulled her eyewear down long enough to wink her cold, blank eyes at the audience before shoving them back into place. Unknowing of this, The Captain simply drove off, still smiling widely.

Vic and Kenny watched the car go wide-eyed. "Oh, my," Vic said, "We should tell him right away! The Captain is in mortal danger!"

Kenny leapt to his feet. "You do that, Vic! I'll handle the rest!"

"The rest?" Vic repeated, watching Kenny rush in the opposite direction of the retreating car in a rustle of red robes. "You're heading for the arena, Kenny! What are you doing?!"

"That means the real Samus must still be out there!" he paused long enough to cry, "And she needs nursing back to health! Heck, maybe she got her armor breastplate blasted off or something! Then she could nurse me instead! Woo-hoo!!" Kenny charged out of the booth and across the fields.

Left behind, Vic could only smirk wistfully, "Ah, hope springs eternal."

Off-camera somewhere, the sounds of Kenny screaming things like, "Ow! Hey! Ouch! I didn't mean to grab you there! I thought that round thing was your helmet! Hey! Not the face, please, not my face **again**!" were starting to appear with alarming frequency.

Vic finished, "And so does stupidity. Good night, everybody."

And then, as the final credits roll:

The text and events for this episode's script Copyright © 2004 Keith E. Kimball. All characters, titles, games, licensed properties, and such remain copyright © to their respective holders, including but not limited to SpikeTV, Tokyo Broadcasting System, Mr. "Beat" Takeshi, Nintendo Co. Ltd., Toho Eiga Ltd., and anybody else important that the scriptwriter doesn't want to tick off. I did this for free and for fun; please don't sue me. (Hope any of you corporate types who reads it likes it anyway. Goes double for anybody kind enough to read it just for their pleasure. To paraphrase the inimitable words of The King o' Rock n' Roll, "Thank you, sirs and ladies, thank you vera much! Ahuh-huh!")

:the ending theme blares: DUN-A-DUN-DUN, DUN-A-DUN-DUN, DUNN-DA-DAUNN-DUNNN!!

**The End**


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